I Forgot About

WORK:

I forgot about work. In all of the ways that I lost myself over the last few years, my enjoyment and comfortability in hard work was a tough one. I gave in to every manipulation imaginable and allowed someone else to influence my choices, actions and thoughts until I was just a skeleton wearing skin, no longer able to function or think or feel. My only solace became my breath. Without it, I'm not sure where I'd be. I was made to feel like I was wrong for working and for enjoying work. After I started over in September, I spent a month not doing much of anything in my external world. I spent a month at a friend's and just worked on healing my own psyche. That first night I sat at the dinner table and just stared at the wood and cried. I hadn't been in a home in so long. I hadn't been around a family in so long. I hadn't been around love in so long. It was overwhelming for me. I realized how broken, isolated and confused I had really become. I finally looked up "signs you were in an abusive relationship" after a stranger suggested that I do that over a week earlier, and was somehow shocked when every. single. one. hit so damn hard within me. It took me forever just to finish reading the list from past my constant tears. I felt so stupid. So guilty. So unsure. After a month, I finally began to look for work. And just recently I've finally begun to start working again. And it's incredible. And I'm so grateful. And I've done so many different things and met so many different people. And another part of me awakened and sparked and remembered how I built myself up before by putting in work. Work in employment, work in the home, but above all - work on my health, all facets of it. Today I listened to The Great Gig in the Sky and was reminded of how I chose that song to play at the end of my dad's funeral. I was transported to that moment. Broken. Crying. Empty. But understanding the hard work was beginning and I was up for the task because he didn't die for me to fall. Then doing that all over again when I lost Conner. And hanging up the phone broken. Crying. Empty. And knowing I was ready to put in the work. Thank you, hands. Thank you, mind. Thank you, work. 💪

DRAGONFLIES:

I forgot about dragonflies. Being a young child who was scared of nearly everything (the dark, the light, bedtime, daytime, men, women, kids, elderly) I spent many years of my life uncomfortable around bugs, insects, other animals. But I distinctly remember dragonflies being one of the very earliest things I conquered my fear of. In elementary school they were always in the field and around the gravel track that we always had to run our mile on, constantly. Initially, as expected, I ran away from and feared these bigger, flying insects. But they quickly revealed themselves to me as friends, not foes. No matter where I ran, how fast I ran, or what direction I shifted, those dragonflies always shifted away to ensure they never touched me. I grew to be amazed with their speed, agility and grace. I even started to run into them just to see if I could touch one and, alas, they always just slightly moved out of range. It was beautiful and special to me as a young boy who felt he had no safety, no support, no friends. They never left me. Never neglected to be around. Never intruded or interfered in my movement or activities. They just were there. It felt like support. Like companionship. Like love. And it was. And it still is. And in the years that I fell deeper into a work life, into society, into bad habits, into false-comfort, into stagnation - I neglected the connection. I abandoned many connections that I've always held. I'm very grateful to be deepening these connections today and everyday. Thank you, insects. Thank you, animals. Thank you, dragonflies. 💜

MIND:

I forgot about the power of my mind. How many years I spent in my tiny bed battling myself every single night for hours ‘til there was only one victor. First, struggling to understand why so many negative thoughts filled my head, filled my entire body, making me feel sick and disgusting and wrong. Then, wrapping my head around the concept of being a product of my environment: The opening days and months and years of my life being completely encapsulated and entrapped within the energies of rage, anger, violence, hate, paranoia, addiction, incest, assault, dishonesty, vulgarity and beyond. How could I feel - how could I be - anything else? Every night I would close my eyes and the sick thoughts would come. Images of death and murder and sex and perversion and violence and…quicker and quicker they would appear but, finally, disappear. Without even feeling them. Replaced by joy, bliss, peace, strength, smiles, love. Until the negative thoughts ceased to creep in at all. I could see it happening within my head. I began to recognize not just what caused me to have these feelings, these emotions, but what feelings were MINE and which ones were put on me, attached to me, but never actually a part of me. I worked endlessly in the first 10 years of my life to be MYSELF and release the toxicity and abuse that I had once believed was all that I was or ever could be. I was reminded of this internal/external battle within myself in the last 3 months, when I started all over again, but in a new way. I had lost my mind. I had fully enveloped myself in the energies of rage, anger, violence, hate, paranoia, addiction, incest, assault, dishonesty, vulgarity and beyond. Little by little I didn’t even realize how much I was nose-diving and losing everything I had worked to conquer, understand and embody. And, like being born again, I started the process of understanding the power of my mind. And I’ll never give it up again. I needed to restart to really understand. Thank you, Universe. Thank you, experiences. Thank you, mind. 

CEILING:
I forgot about how much I used to stare up at the ceiling. How much I used to see. How much I didn't want to see. Endless hours of every sleepless night, too scared to close my eyes in the darkness, too cowardly to open them and look around to see the stillness of the peace. So I'd stare up at the ceiling, catching glimpses of the walls, creating every bumpy paint blob into a character, an object, a vital member of an elaborate, outlandish, important and somehow relatable story that I imagined in my head but took to be as real, somewhere, sometime, someway. Those blobs were my friends. They were my company in the fear. I conquered the dark, I outgrew my fear over and over again, every night, looking up. Knowing there was something more up there than just rough paint globs. Somewhere my dreams lived. Over time I learned to love the night because it's when I got to be closer to the Heavens. When I could pull my greatest wonders down from the sky and right by my bedside to be together again. A family reunited. A bright kid illuminated. A grateful man today. Still looking up. Still dreaming high. Still outgrowing my fear every single night. It's easier than it used to be. Thank you, ceiling. Thank you, night. Thank you, darkness. 

STICKS:
I forgot about how much I used to play with sticks. I had a whole collection but one was my favorite, of course. We had lifetimes of impossible, universe-saving missions successfully accomplished in the sanctuary of the backyard serving as the playground of the Earth. So many different worlds, different races, different times, different stories, different souls. Some struggling, some lost, some expecting, all deserving of peace. Love. Safety. Security. I couldn't tell you anything about them anymore. I couldn't tell you where they were from, other than my own mind. A mind that got numbed by public education, depleted by prescription medication and tortured by homegrown horrors. But - a mind that never died. Only grew stronger. I'm remembering those times, those worlds, those souls, those struggles, those rescues, those moments of triumph at the moving of mountains that always inevitably occurred in the end. Not the end. The beginning. I'm remembering myself now. With that comes mistakes, secrets, deceits. Of others. Of my own. I'm no more guilty than any other. But the truth set me free. And it will set all of us free in divine time. Thank you, Earth. Thank you, friends beyond. Thank you, sticks. 

STARS:
I forgot about how much I used to look up at the stars. Feeling the love of my ancestors, trusting each tiny, bright twinkle as a wink or a smile sent down right at me as I watched back with my own wondrous grin. The first constellation I could ever identify wasn't even the full group. I was so excited by locating the three stars of Orion's Belt, it satisfied me for years. I only in the past year finally saw the entire constellation of Orion in full, standing power. And actually learned about its history, biblical significance and universal influence. Quite magnificent moments of time and space we're living through today. I never forget to look up at my friends in the night sky anymore. And I never will again. I learn more about them every night. And they show me more of myself every moment. Thank you, sky. Thank you, cosmos. Thank you, stars.

SOLITUDE:
I forgot about how much I used to do by myself. Not because I was bitter or depressed or selfish - but because I didn't think anything of it. If I happened to be with people, I'd interact. If I was alone, I would still interact. With whatever was there. That tree, that hill, that basketball goal, that football, that butterfly. I have 4 half-siblings but was raised mostly on my own as an only child with my dad and step mom. Dad was often at work and it took me years to even get to know him. My step mom raised me but struggled to keep up with my rambunctious, extremely active self. I can't tell you how many weekends were spent in the front yard of my grandma's with my portable radio strapped to my waistband and a football in my hand as I listened to the play by play and acted out the QB's touchdowns…and the receiver's. I got great joy spending hours tossing the football high, but far so that I could run hard and catch it myself. Over and over again. I used to play basketball one on one against myself, up and down the court. I used to climb up as high as I could in trees and sit there for hours til someone noticed me yip and freaked out and made me come down. When I got a car I would go eat at my favorite restaurants and enjoy the meal and the peace. The first time I went and saw a movie by myself, I saw 2. While the credits rolled for the first one, I had such a blast I bought the tickets online for the next movie in the theater one over that was about to start. I went back twice that month. I had my struggles with depression and loneliness, no doubt. Intensely. I still do sometimes. But life has shown me enough already that it is all okay and everything that comes at me is exactly what I need and what will help me. So I remain immensely grateful for the moments of isolation and the connections of company. Thank you, energy. Thank you, life. Thank you, solitude.